Day on the Beach

 

I’m half way through the week and still haven’t got to the beach. So to day I’m going to spend it on the beach, I’m on day 4 and still haven’t had the pleasure. The weather was beautiful 28*c so quite frankly the beach was calling. I’m half way through my holiday I feel happy relaxed and a feeling of where I belong, I absolutely love this part of Spain.

It’s a twenty minute walk to the nearest beach bar so that will be my destination. i arrived at lunch time and set up camp. The sand, sun and sea are so calming i feel totally anxiety free. The people in Spain are so friendly and welcoming so you never feel alone. i met a lovely lady she must have been in her late 70’s she was traveling all over Spain in her camper van with her two little dogs and was staying on the beach until the end of September then she was off again but hadn’t decided where she was going next? how exciting to live such a relaxed carefree life.

For lunch I had Ensalada de Atun (tuna salad) and Potato Bravas my absolute favorite lunch. I ate, drank, read and made notes but most importantly i relaxed had no anxiety or looking over my shoulder was wonderful. Being here just highlights how stressful my day to day life is and quite frankly I’m sick off it……. Big changes are most defiantly needed when i get home.

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September in Spain

I’m sat in a bar in Manchester airport drinking wine at 8.30am but to be honest it calms my nerves when I fly on my my own. This is only the second time I’ve traveled abroad alone in my 49 years on this planet. The first was last September I went to visit my friend in Spain I had very mixed emotions fear, excitement but mostly very excited and felt very grown up.

Today I have very mixed emotions my boyfriend and I have decided to call it a day, trust me with a very heavy heart on both sides, the outside pressures of our ex’s bullshit and constant interference is just too much to bear. Our relationship is turning into a toxic unpleasant place to be. In the past I’ve heard people say sometimes love just isn’t enough and I totally understand the concept of that now! We need to stop and change the dynamics of our own individual lives. Nothing will change if you don’t change the path you are on.

Darren has been my constant support, encouragement and best friend for nearly three years so not to have my beard at my side now is totally heartbreaking. What I can take from our relationship is how amazing it has been to be with someone who allows and encourages you to grow and be the person you should be and not control, suffocate and bully every aspect of your life.

Work is 24/7 and the emotional pressure of dealing with our ex’s bullshit, stalking, intimidation, trying to get my house sold for the third time and throw in my breakup with the love my life I really am on the brink of dropping and not getting back up. So I decided to take a week off and go and visit my auntie and uncle in Spain . They have always been there afor me as long as I can remember! My poor Uncle even wrote my Theses for me at college because it was so bad haha! Now now that’s love.

In January I will be 50, divorced for 2years after 30 years together and fingers crossed my house will be sold. So this trip will be trying to work out what’s next for me??? I need to answer a few questions for myself. I have been part of a couple since I was 17 years old so if I’m completely honest with my self I don’t even know who I am as an individual person. I need to discover who I am? what makes me happy? and basically put my life back on right road for me!

My life really is a blank page which is equally terrifying as it is exciting.

Proud day

MY NEW CAR

PROUD DAY!

On Thursday 24th of August 2017 I collected the car of my dreams a brand new Range Rover Evoque of course in red to match my favourite lipstick “Mac ruby woo! “ it had a cream leather interior which is beautiful.

It all began on the Sunday before I was enjoying a beautiful lunch at San Carlo in Liverpool with my beard and it seemed a great idea after a couple glasses of wines to go to the local Range Rover dealership and have a little browse. What harm could it?

I was in there less than hour and the deed was done. Your car will be ready to collect Thursday afternoon said Paul the salesman. Well I nearly wet my pants I was so excited, it was the first thing I had ever bought for myself without asking permission first! It felt so exhilarating and empowering all the early starts and late nights at the shop was suddenly totally worth while.

So now when I have a bad day I just get in my car put the music on loud and realise how much I have accomplished and how far I’ve come in the last two and a half years.

Dinner for one!

The Brass pig

Another first for me! Dinner out on my own. It’s a cold miserable Wednesday evening and I couldn’t be bothered cooking, my beard was working late keeping us all safe so I thought why not! Go out for dinner but what a dilemma? funny really didn’t think twice about it when I was on holiday.

I was trying to think of all the restaurants in southport I would feel most comfortable to walk into and eat alone and to be honest I was struggling?! they were either the kind of place you go with the other half or your girlfriends the rest you just wouldn’t dare go in on your own no explanation needed 😳

I had work to do so I wanted to feel inspired too, then it came to me ‘The Brass Pig’ I have been here a few times before with my lovely beard they originally drew me in with gluten free cream egg cheese cake at Easter, I nearly fainted when I saw there post on Instagram.

The interior is fantastic very original, staff very friendly and they cater for gluten free so no brainer, So here I am eating the Beast Burger and a glass of wine feeling all creative making lots of notes. If I’m honest though I was very nervous and I guess a bit embarrassed about having to eat on my own but I chose too and loved every minute! The staff were very welcoming and friendly so I felt completely at ease Oh and did I say the best music ever! ‘ZZ Top’ no less …. could sit here all night 🤓 this will defiantly be my goto place when I need someone to cook for me. Forgot to mention the food is absolutely fantastic.!!!

Tattoo Number 10

I have finally found the design for the cover up of my old tattoo that I have it on my side which represents 25 years of marriage, an anniversary gift to my ex husband. A gift that was not appreciated and I was deeply hurt by his reaction. As my Nannie whom I loved more than life it self always used to say “you live and learn” well I certainly learned a lesson that day.

I have been divorced now over 18 months and at first I had no intention of removing it or covering it up. All my tattoos have a meaning and this represented 25 years of my marriage so that was it’s story. The last 3 years have been horrendous, I have put up with behaviour from ex and his friends that have pushed me to the brink and is still continuing. So to be polite it is not welcome on my body anymore !!!. My new design is called the hand of Fatima.

Meaning = positivity/abundance/faith

Originating from the Hebrew word hamesh, literally means five, the hand of Fatima is an ancient talisman that symbolises feminine power. The hand is worn as a defense against negative energy as it deflects the gaze of the evil eye away from the wearer. Is believed to channel the forces of good, embrace the energy of the hand of Fatima Charm that promotes healing and fosters miracles. I am certainly in need of that!.

So now I just have to be patience and wait for my appointment. I will be able to move on and close that chapter for good.

My first trip abroad on my own 22/09/17

This was my first trip abroad on my own or in fact anywhere on my own. I was staying with my friend when I got there but I had to get there!

I was very excited and nervous to say the least! In fact it was terrifying, I have never arranged, planned or gone anywhere on my own for the last 30 years! My ex husband organized and controlled all aspects of my life I’m embarrassed to say! Especially at the age of 48.

My daughter kindly offered to drive me to the airport so that was wonderful but the poor child looked more terrified then me. I think she thought I would get lost never to be seen again haha.

Just walking in the airport was daunting enough but to go through security on your own and checking you get on right plane etc totally terrifying. Stupidly I put my EPI pens in my carry on so I was pulled over and they opened my case, what an idiot, I nearly had a heart attack!

When they closed my case and I could go through I felt amazing, independent and carefree I had drinks, food and bought lovely makeup it felt very empowering and so exciting.

Then on the plane more drinks was on a roll at this point didn’t seem to matter it was only 7am haha! I bought Elizabeth Arden’s travel set, Benefit makeup and every girls essential item Touch eclat.

Over the next week i relaxed, read, made notes and designed. It was perfect I was able to recharged my batteries after a very busy prom and wedding season also an emotional and stressful time dealing with my ex and his tortuous games.

One of my favorite days was spent on the beach designing wedding gowns and enjoying lunch at the beach restaurant. It was most definitely my Shirley Valentine moment. I was nervous asking for a table for one while everyone else was with family or there partner. But I enjoyed every minute!!!

It was the most relaxing stress free holiday I have ever had and I totally recommend traveling alone ❤️

Home is where your heart is ❤️

I feel settled in my new place but it’s taken a while I can tell you. When I was forced out of my beautiful home, it took me a long time to adjust. I moved in with my friends, I had stayed in their guest room for the last 8 months. They were my guardians angels! I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them.

Then in January 2016 I had the chance to move into a friends annex. It took another 5 months before I could move in because true to form my ex wouldn’t let me have any of my possessions out of our house so I had to purchase everything right down to cups and plates! Literally everything at huge expense.

The annex runs along side my friends property it has a Lounge/kitchen, bathroom and one bedroom. It’s very small but everything I need. Downsizing has been a challenge to say the least! I’ve gone from four double wardrobes to one! This has been my home now for the last 18 months, I have embraced micro living. I honestly thought by now I would have sold my marital home and would have bought my own property and been able to move on with my life. But my ex is determined to keep our martial home with every unhanded trick possible including lies, delays and intimidation.

So I’m still living in my “Hobbit House” as my children affectionately call it, but that’s fine it suits me for now.